It's Like I'm Not Me
by The Girly Man
Summary: A nightmare. An overwhelming illusion of sleep. A storm outside my bedroom window. The influence? Perhaps... A hand on my shoulder. A single word. A single, awakening word. “Akito…”


**Song Used: Addicted, by Kelly Clarkson**

**This is a different story then anything I've ever written before… I guess I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing... I guess you can decide, huh?**

**Slash warning (depending on if you consider Akito a girl or boy)**

**It's Like I'm Not Me**

_It's like I'm lost, it's like I'm giving up slowly…_

A nightmare.

An overwhelming illusion of sleep.

A storm outside my bedroom window.

The influence?

Perhaps.

A hand on my shoulder.

A single word.

A single, awakening word.

"Akito…"

_It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me, leave me alone…_

I awake.

I look up.

I mutter a single question.

A single, painful question.

"Why are you here?"

I hear a laugh.

I close my eyes.

The thunder opens them again.

"Were you having a bad dream?"

I try to remember.

But I fail.

And I do not want to tell him anyway.

I want him out.

"Leave," I say. "Leave," I command.

His reply:

"You know you want me to stay the night."

And he is right.

But he cannot know.

_And I know these voices in my head, I'm not alone…_

He lies down next to me.

I want it.

But I must not.

"Why are you here?"

The question repeats itself.

"Why not?"

A smart reply.

But I cannot tolerate it.

I stand, head for the door.

Leave him there.

_And I know I'll never change my ways if I don't give you enough…_

"Why are you leaving?"

It seems to be more of an accusation than a question.

I sigh.

"I don't know."

I want to cry.

It is much too hard to deny.

To give up.

"Stay."

It is a command.

I obey.

_It's like I can't breathe, it's like I can't see anything_

"What do you want from me?"

He stands, walks over to me.

"You know what I want."

I cannot.

I want to.

But I must not.

_Must_ not…

I toy with him.

I lead him on.

I allow him to run his hand through my hair, down my waist.

Once.

Or twice?

_Nothing but you, I'm addicted to you._

He pushed me against the wall.

Slowly.

Gently.

I can feel his breath on my face.

I feel like I will suffocate.

But resistance is impossible…

He presses his body against mine.

I stare into his eyes.

I feel like I am falling into nothing.

I hear a sentence.

Quiet, but still there.

Three words.

Three words with more meaning then tangible.

"I love you."

_It's like I can't think without you interrupting me_

His body is against me.

I cannot escape.

I am not sure how to answer.

I clear my throat.

His lips brush against mine.

Lightly, the first time.

Harder the next.

And the next.

"We need to stop."

_In my thoughts, in my dreams, you've taken over me_

"Akito…"

That word again.

The way he says my name.

My stomach drops.

I swallow hard.

The storm is plowing on.

And on.

My forehead sweats.

"Relax, Akito…"

It is a command.

I obey.

He moves closer to me.

If that is possible.

_It's like I'm not me… It's like I'm not me…_

And he keeps kissing me.

And I cannot escape.

I cannot pull away.

I cannot speak.

Secretly…

I do not mind.

I put my hands on his shoulders, his chest.

He wraps his arms around me.

My mouth feels wet.

I want more.

I need more.

I kiss back.

_I'm hooked on you, I need a fix, I can't take it_

Eyes closed, he pulls me across the room.

Onto my bed.

I try to argue.

His hand is in my shirt.

I try to ignore it.

I even try to escape.

I am on top of him.

Just a little longer.

Then I will leave.

_Just one more hit, I promise I can do it…_

I stand, he follows as if he is attached to me.

Secretly…

I was hoping he would never let go.

I swear at myself.

I try half-heartedly to pull away.

But I do not want to.

Half of me is happy.

Half is regretting.

Just a little longer…

_I'll handle it, quit it, just one more time, then that's it_

"Do you want me to stay?"

The question makes my heart pound.

My head throb.

"Yes."

He smiles, runs his hand down my arms.

Lies down.

I lie next to him.

He repeats those words.

Those bitter-sweet words.

"I love you, Akito."

My throat catches.

"I love you, Shigure."

I fall asleep.

The storm settles, calms.

_Just a little bit more to get me through this…_


End file.
